Policia de la manera, parte dos!

That's a little Espanol for ya, in "honor" of the Rangers-Panthers game in that hockey hotbed of San Juan, Puerto Rico.

That's right. You heard me. Moving on.

I'm going to work my way up to a Crash Davis style monologue about all the things I think hockey should still be, but for now, I wanna break down the jersey situation.

Three years ago, the league decided it would be better for all involved if the home team would wear either their third jersey or road uniform, and the road team wear their home whites or (if they have one) the lighter colored third jersey. The logic behind it was to prevent certain teams from having to pack all three jerseys on long road trips, since the choice of apparel is up to the home club, and the visiting team realistically couldn't predict what home team would wear which jersey when, so...every night in every arena now becomes a vicious kind of Opposite Day.

First - I'm not a big fan of third jerseys anyway. 1A - I think the Bruins have the most clever (brown bear, gold color), and the Blackhawks the most pragmatic (black base with red and white trim, not altering logo or color scheme or design).

Second - I'm for the third jersey making, at the most, five or six appearances a year. Break 'em out only for your squad's first OLN or NBC game, keep 'em in the rotation for afternoons on national telecasts. Don't bombard the senses and keep fans guessing which monstrosity their players will show up wearing game-to-game.

Third - I thought King Bettman and the Knights of the Square Boardroom Table wanted to hook more casual fans into watching. How proactive can it be to have new fans them questioning their local papers after they read their team is home, yet seeing them wearing the road darks?

Used to be that arenas were distinct enough that fans could tell where the game was played just by looking at the size, the boards, or, most obviously, the logo of the team prominent at center ice. Now, every rink is 200 by 85, bearing some kind of corporate name, with ads surrounding the boards. If a casual fan happens to catch some action on TV not near center ice, no wonder they'd be confused if there were no markers to let them know who's playing where. My parents, who aren't hardcore Flyers fans, but who have been watching since the early 70's, have asked me about 20 times over the past three seasons if the Flyers were home while glancing at the TV every so often. I've asked them multiple times, "would you think the Flyers were always on the road, if you didn't happen to notice the scoreboard at the top of the screen?" Their answer is either "yes," or, "I can't tell what the hell is going on, but I do know I don't like these new orange uniforms." There you have it, from people who were partying hard circa the 1974 Stanley Cup parade.

The league wised up for television in the early 1970's by making teams wear white at home, dark on the road, and eventually forced names above numbers. The whole jersey-switch thing was kinda cute after the 1992 All-Star Game, as the league celebrated its 75th year - but that experiment returned to normal once the regular season ended. This trial is now entering its third full season, and fourth overall, and I know I'm not alone in hoping it will end.

Maybe the mad, mad minds of upper Madison Avenue should hire Mike Keenan as a uni consultant, instead of having him force his tired old management act to every bench in North America. Keenan, thus far, has been the only independent thinker to refuse that his team wear a third jersey design. The Blues had a blue, red, and yellow "triple trumpet and note" design, set to debut in January, 1996. Keenan took one look at these affronts to nature, and vehemently declined the offer for his club to don the duds. I only wish the 20 other clubs who trotted out their very own pastel colored daymares had half the brainpower of the man dubbed "The Teflon Coach."

For my hometown club, I wish their black jerseys (now the road/home?) colors are relegated to the merchandising kiosk at the center - only to be whipped out come January's NBC Game of the Week. I hope their current third unis, a sickly pairing of bright orange, black, white, silver, and cutout shapes a third grader could be proud of - are modified again to become home/road? colors.

For the rest of the league, I don't care what mega-multi-millionaire comic book creator comes along, don't be suckers. Teams create a logo as part of a tradition, maybe now even to launch a brand. Why muddy the waters for revenue's sake by creating a totally different design scheme, when certain teams have built up 10,20,30, 40-plus years of tradition with colors and crest? Even Montreal's poor excuse for a third uniform sullies the bleu, blanc et rouge and the distinctive "CH" crest.

To steal a phrase from Bill Conlin, "When I'm King of the World," only these teams (besides Boston and Chicago) would be allowed a third uniform: Buffalo (who have embraced their past), Florida (whose blue unis aren't much worse than their real jerseys), Vancouver (we've never been able to distinguish anyway), Philly and Toronto.

Everyone else, build a huge bonfire, preferably before the home opener. Let people in the parking lots 90 minutes before game time. Charge a buck, serve orangeade, give everyone a match apiece, and set those designs aflame!